Harrowhark the Ninth (
we_bring_hell) wrote2020-11-24 01:43 pm
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Nothing is wrong. Well, nothing new is wrong. It's just that sometimes you wake up and hate everything, starting with yourself and extending outward from there.
She has snarled at Gideon, banished Gideon to the distant past, and is now sulking about being abandoned by Gideon. She was trying to work on the Lyctoral theorems, but her bile got in the way, and now she's chewing on her interdimensional communication mechanism.
She is considering burning characters into her living bones while her cavalier is away and without a healer standing by, because she may be 90% of Gideon's self-control but Gideon is 70% of her self-preservation.
The Mountain Goats is blaring; Transcendental Youth.
She has snarled at Gideon, banished Gideon to the distant past, and is now sulking about being abandoned by Gideon. She was trying to work on the Lyctoral theorems, but her bile got in the way, and now she's chewing on her interdimensional communication mechanism.
She is considering burning characters into her living bones while her cavalier is away and without a healer standing by, because she may be 90% of Gideon's self-control but Gideon is 70% of her self-preservation.
The Mountain Goats is blaring; Transcendental Youth.
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She drums her gloved fingertips on the desk. "Yet not indefinitely."
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"Who, as I recall, you promised never to leave here without from now on."
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She looks up suddenly and catches Ingress's eyes sharply. "What would you do if you could do--anything?" she asks. "If you were bound by duty to neither your Companion nor the Underside? Truly at liberty to decide?"
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Only. It doesn't.
She doesn't have one. She sits up straighter, and the smile fades into a frown.
"I don't know, Harrow. I have- I have no idea."
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Finally: "Perhaps it's a cruel question. I shouldn't..."
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Ingress frowns.
"I just don't have an answer. It's not something I've thought about."
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Maybe.
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"I suppose... I'd..."
What would she do?
"Travel? Visit all the worlds I could?"
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Her voice is quiet and rusty; choked, the way it gets when she tries to speak from her poor stupid heart. "When there is nothing I want. There is always what must be done."
"Except not here," she says quietly.
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The note didn't indicate distress, exactly, but Gideon did leave.
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"I mean, I was wretched to her, but she's used to that. She loves me."
"And sometimes, Ingress, I do not wish to be loved. Or touched. Or seen, in the way that Gideon alone seems to see me."
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She very much understands a friend being miserable, though.
"That must be hard. It makes me sad that you feel the need to disappear. I wish I could make things better for you."
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But she doesn't deserve that, is the thing. And she doesn't know how to stop it, anyway.
She opens her black, black eyes. "It's like a spasm. An allergic reaction. Some foolish little thing strikes me and -- things I carry every day become suddenly unbearable."
"It will pass."
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Ingress isn't sure what that is yet, exactly, but she'll figure out something.
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She rises from the desk; takes Ingress's hand in her thin gloves one.
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Let's see. The garage isn't very interesting, Mr. Julia might be too much at once for Harrow, and she doesn't care for other animals, so the stable's out.
Unless.
When she and Lan Wangji were searching for Wei Wuxian and Harrow, they went through the stables twice. She's almost positive she remembers seeing something that Harrow may find intriguing.
"Is outside okay? It's a cloudy and cool day, it looks like."
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She waves at the skeleton to lock and ward the room behind them.
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"We're going to the stables, but I promise, it's not to see a horse."
She leads Harrow down the stairs and towards the back door.
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